A longshot municipal candidate, hoping to join the 100 local politicians in the CRD, is promising a three-speed, made-in-China bike-for-all.
Every election candidates ask for the endorsement of Grumpy$ and are declined, but this time we have our very own candidate!
“There’s no law saying I can’t recycle the same platform in all 13 municipalities, the CRD and every other agency that pays, so that’s what I’m going to do,” says Ron Jeremiah Grump.
“If you must waste your vote, waste it on me.”
Grump hopes to capitalize on the widespread disaffection among voters without dependable transportation who are waiting for the regional transportation service to improve gridlock on bike paths.
“We are in a vicious cycle. For those of you that ride your bike twice a day, that’s not recycling. Remember, it gets more expensive to buy a tire pump every year, all because of inflation.”
Grump dresses in red from head-to-toe to draw attention to ballooning municipal budgets.
Besides the made-in-China bike-for-all pledge, Grump promises unlimited mocktails from your tap at every household and the creation of a 22-municipality region called Victoriapolis (one more than the Lower Mainland!). AI would free people from the need to work, and an individual mother figure for everyone would help combat feelings of loneliness.
“Name one other candidate that will give you a set of wheels?” he asks. “Name one other candidate that even offers a clearly articulated vision, management experience and political affiliations?”
As an extra incentive for renters – who tend not to bother voting – Grump will give a discount of 50% for selfies taken with him outside the voting stations.
For those with fur babies, a fire hydrant in front of every home and government contracts to anyone who will play fetch with him.
Finally, instead of endless council meetings by endless municipalities, Grump hopes to streamline governance.
“Instead of 100 local politicians, why not elect 1,000 with each serving a week so everyone gets a try? Local politicians will be elected as volunteers and no longer paid, but swear to help out their community instead of themselves. The only non-taxable benefit would be a rubber boot allowance to make it easier to visit constituents.”
There’s Toronto with 3.3 million or so people governed by 25 councillors and a mayor, then it’s high time Dysfunction-by-the-sea tried something different.
Grump argues he will probably change his platform before and during the campaign, and once elected and removed from office.
So, are you ready for change? Grump says he’s the antidote for those suffering from political depression.